When your partner is going through a hard time, you can respond in different ways. You might try to cheer them up with jokes or distract them. Or you could listen and understand their feelings, or offer different ways to see their situation.
These actions are called “extrinsic emotion regulation” by researchers. It means helping someone handle their tough feelings instead of dealing with your own. Supporting your partner like this can make your bond stronger and lead to happier, stronger relationships.
But which methods work best? Do some ways have a bigger effect on your relationship than others?
Expressive suppression
On the positive side, this approach can offer immediate comfort to your partner and help them feel better in the moment. However, there are drawbacks to consider. Encouraging your partner to suppress their emotions may cause them to internalize their feelings, which could ultimately worsen their emotional state over time.
Distraction
Offering distractions or engaging in activities to divert your partner’s attention from their problems can temporarily provide relief and offer a break from distressing thoughts. However, continuously relying on distractions may hinder your partner from addressing and fully processing their emotions, potentially exacerbating their problems over time.
Downward social comparison
Encouraging your partner to consider others’ situations and challenges may provide perspective and help them feel grateful for what they have. However, constantly comparing their problems to others’ experiences might invalidate their feelings and diminish the significance of their struggles, potentially exacerbating their distress.
Receptive Listening
Listening attentively to your partner when they’re upset demonstrates your care and support, fostering a deeper connection between you. However, providing effective support can also be challenging, particularly if you’re unsure how to address their concerns or offer assistance.
Humor
Using humor can be a great way to uplift your partner’s spirits and create a more positive atmosphere. However, striking the right balance can also be challenging, as humor may unintentionally trivialize your partner’s emotions if not used carefully and sensitively.
Reappraisal
Encouraging your partner to look at their situation from a different perspective can be beneficial as it may reduce the perceived severity of their challenges. However, guiding them to reconsider their circumstances can be challenging, particularly when they are deeply distressed.
Valuing
Expressing appreciation and love for your partner can strengthen your bond and provide them with a sense of support and validation. However, it’s crucial to ensure that your expressions of affection are sincere and genuine to maintain trust and authenticity in the relationship.
Direct Action
Offering assistance and support to your partner during tough times can demonstrate your commitment to their well-being and show that you’re willing to help shoulder their burdens. However, it’s essential to respect your partner’s autonomy and avoid assuming control over their problems, as this may undermine their sense of agency and independence.