Two important figures in positive psychology are Professors Martin Seligman and the late Chris Peterson. Peterson believed that positive psychology can be summed up in two words: “Other people.” Seligman’s wellbeing model highlights relationships, especially positive ones, as a central aspect. When such influential figures emphasize something for wellbeing, it shows how important it is.
How do we make relationships work?
One well-known expert on relationships is Gary Chapman. After counseling many people for years, he noticed patterns in how people felt loved and showed love in relationships. This led him to create “The Five Love Languages” and write a bestselling book with the same title, which has sold millions.
Think about how you naturally speak your own language. If you know English, you’ll speak English! But what if the person you want to be with speaks German instead? You’ll have to learn their language or at least enough to communicate with them. Chapman realized that how someone feels loved is similar to how they express love—it’s like speaking different languages. And that’s how the idea of love languages came about!
1. Words of affirmation
Using spoken or written words to show your love, care, appreciation, support, kindness, empathy, and compliments. It also means saying good things about your partner to other people.
2. Quality Time
Spending a good time together means giving each other focused attention. This could be through meaningful talks or doing things together, not just watching TV. Quality conversations mean really listening to your partner, including their body language, and sharing things about yourself, not just giving your opinion on solving a problem.
3. Receiving gifts
Gifts can be big or small, bought or made. Most importantly, it’s about being there for your partner when they need you. The gift should be something your partner really wants or has mentioned wanting before.
4. Acts of Service
Doing something for your partner that they would appreciate. For example, if your partner enjoys going out for nice meals, taking care of the garden might not make them as happy.
5. Physical Touch
This isn’t only about sex or physical touch. It’s also about connecting intimately through gestures like a pat on the back, a hug when feeling down, or other heartfelt ways.
Usually, we show love to our partner in the way that feels most natural to us – that’s our main love language. But what if your partner’s love language is different? Just like learning another language for your German partner, it’s important to learn their love language. As Chapman puts it, “we need to learn our partner’s main love language if we want to show love effectively.”
When many people talk about love, they focus on the warm, fuzzy feeling it gives or the person or thing they love. But I remember a teacher telling me that “love is a verb, not just a noun.” Love is about what you do, not just what you feel. When you take action, the feelings of love will follow. So, what will you do to understand and show love to your partner more often? By speaking their love language, you can create a deeper connection and have a better relationship.